The King Of Biscuits
Its nearly Christmas so we're going to take a departure from football matters and talk about biscuits. Which biscuit is the King of Biscuits? If these biscuits were Bury players, which would they be? Here are my top five, in reverse order. . .5 - The Rich Tea
Possibly a controversial one to include in a top five of biscuits, but for its simple and tasty goodness, plus its untouchable status as the world's number one biscuit for dunking in your hot beverage it has no rival. It is one of the few good things to come out of Yorkshire and has been publicly endorsed by irritating Irishman Terry Wogan. Its sweet, light and airy but it wouldn't stand a chance in a fight with, say, a Jammie Dodger or a Bourbon Cream. The Rich Tea, you see, is more of the thinking man or lady's biscuit, and is more at home delicately balanced on the edge of a china saucer than shoved in a builder's butty box.
It's like Kyle Bennett, not a biscuit for every occasion, but when the time is right, it stands proudly above the rest.
4 - The Digestive
There have been copies of this, the world's most easily recognisable biscuit the but McVities original is also the best. It's a sizeable disc of sweet-meal tastiness that dates back to the mid 19th century. Whilst on its own it offers a substantial snack, the digestive is one of the most versatile biscuits in the world whether dunked, crushed and turned into a cheesecake base or served with a topping of your choice. Butter, jam or cheese are a few of the more obvious toppings whilst one of my favourites for a luxurious, decadent mood is yogurt. Honestly, you have to try it. Of course there's an even better topping to enhance the Digestive, but more on that later.
Comforting and versatile. A leader of men and miniature snacks that makes lesser biscuits look and perform better. If this biscuit were a Bury player, it would be Chris Lucketti.
3 - The Hob Nob
Described by Peter Kay as the royal marine of the biscuit world due to its supreme dunkability, the Hob Nob is more than a biscuit, it's an oaty and wholesome investment in your short term happiness. First manufactured by those bastions of biscitude, McVities as recently as 1984, they said that "One nibble and you're nobbled." And boy isn't that just the truth? There is such a thing as the chocolate Hob Nob, but some things should be left un-chocolated and the Hob Nob is one of them.
The Hob Nob, is chunky and tough. It takes no s**t from nobody. It's like a flat, round Andy Feeley.
2 - The Custard Cream
A true classic. You know you've had a biscuit when you sink your teeth into one of these bad boys. Two rectangular chunky slabs of biscuity goodness, glued together with, well, custard cream in a sandwich style construction. Do you bite straight through the whole thing like a real man, or pull them apart, scrape off the fondant filling and then eat the biscuits on their own like a great big ponce? If you ever go on work training courses, the Custard Cream is always there, gladly lowering itself to share the biscuit plate with other lesser offerings. With its baroque style patterns and classic look, the Custard Cream has been around for over a hundred years and will continue to be around for many more.
It's the Dean Kiely of the biscuit world, solid and reliable yet with a hint of playfulness that will never ever let you down.
1 - The Chocolate Digestive
It must have been with more than a touch of audacity that, in 1925 at the McVities factory in Edinburgh, someone took a fundamental pillar of the biscuit community and dared to try to make it better. In truth, there are many things that can be improved by adding chocolate but surely one of the more successful is the Digestive. How do you improve on perfection? Slap a layer of chocolate on it, that's how.
Sweet and crunchy, naughty but nice, stylish and elegant. Its sweetness is my weakness. It's the chosen chomp of champions. Ladies and gentlemen, it's biscuitdom's answer to our very own Richie Barker.
Consideration must go to some of the fine biscuits who didn't make it into my top 5. The aforementioned Jammie Dodger and Bourbon Cream, the Jaffa Cake, those sticky lemony sandwich ones, party rings. The list goes on but after careful consideration and much deliberation, often over a selection of biscuits I might add, these are my elite, my monsters of biscuitty rock, my leaders of the snacktastic free world, my champions. Now then, anyone for a biccie?
The Boy Holty, December 2011
Manny Road End